Happy love day beauties! Today is the day to celebrate love (I know many say everyday should be that day) but there is just something in the air on this day.
Today, I wanted to find out what love means to different people, what makes it work and what advice they would give to new couples.
Read more below and get an insight into relationships, new and old.
Not everything is worth fighting about. Take a moment to think before picking a fight and hold your tongue in a moment of anger. It makes you calmer and creates the opportunity for a conversation rather than a battle. (Kaamilah, 10 months)
Short and Sweet
Pray together and stay together
A couple who makes Salaah together stays together, those who have Allah have everything, thats the foundation. If we build on that it’s about talking, being honest with your true feelings and most importantly never stop being fun and flirty in your relationship/marriage.
Cause let’s be honest a happy wife means a happy life.. a happy wife also means pow chika pow wow (Abduraheem, Engaged to be married in 2018)
Communication above all else
Best advice – Listen and talk. Communication is important for a reason (Anonymous, Engaged and together for 1 year)
We both found someone, we can grow with, in each other. Someone that wants to see you be better. I also think to keep sparks flying, there has to be a connection. Also it is work. A-lot of it (Anonymous, Engaged to be married in 2018)
Two things that’s a must:
(Anonymous, In a relationship for 7 months)
Trust and Belief
Trust and believe in your partner, don’t make yourself paranoid about what’s he doing or why he isn’t answering the phone that’s where belief comes in. Always make time for each other. If you have busy schedules, go out have some fun and make memories, let him have his freedom and you have yours, but at the end of the day, you come back to each other that’s where trust comes in.(Anonymous, in Relationship for 1 year)
Happy Wife, Happy Life
Happy wife. Happy life. Do not live with your parents when you get married. You’ll regret it. Find your own space, even a 10 x 4m hokkie. If you can make that space comfortable and pleasant it will last (Ilyaas, Married 1 year)
Build your foundation together
Staying alone for the first year of marriage allowed us to build a solid foundation (as we only had each other to rely on and no outside interference) – (Janell, Married 1 Year)
Trust, Honesty and Communication
So my head was overflowing and over thinking with things to say, but I’ll keep it simple… I remember my mom always use to tell me there’s three things that make a relationship/marriage work and that’s trust, honesty and communication… and I see now how true that is (I’m just too stubborn sometimes.
Another piece of advice I actually got from a neighbour (elderly lady), and funny enough my husband too (he is actually so wise, it frustrates me and he gets a kick knowing he is right) was, when you have problems or a fight, try and work things out between yourselves. Don’t run to parents or outsiders and try not to go to bed angry. keep your relationship as private as possible.
I’m only truly understanding how true these words are since my second marriage and I have to say I’m so much more at ease, less drama, enjoying the ups and downs of marriage and family life. The journey this time around (think because we have a history and quite a story) has been so much more pleasant and implementing the advice has really helped. My extra piece of advice would be compromise is also a plus. (Zeenat, Married almost two years, dated a few months but we’ve known one another a good couple of years)
The best advice I can give you, is that you need to be there for one another, support each other, and always know that your wife is right – even when you know she is wrong. She is always right!
But on a serious note, it’s all about being one – knowing each others strengths and weaknesses and coming together to achieve your goals and dreams. (Labeeq, will be married for 3 years in April)
The best advice I could give is to be patient… Be patient with your partner and be patient with yourself. You are both going into this relationship together, coming from different ideals and backgrounds, to create a space all your own.
Learn to compromise, as you won’t always be right (this was very difficult for me to deal with in the beginning) and it’s not about who is right, it’s about being open and honest with one another and keeping your partner happy.
Remember that at the end of the day it is just the two of you and your creator – the decisions you make have nothing to do with anyone else. Do what is best for the two of you and just take everyone’s advice (no matter how unsolicited it may be) and just nod and say yes… Then go home and do what you want! This has served us well over the last couple of years! (Me! will be married for 3 years in April)
Have your own ritual
It doesn’t matter who is upset with who, but before we go sleep we would say this to each other so that every morning we wake up our hearts are still soft for each other. So this kind of became our night night ritual:
R- I love you baby
M- I love you too baby
R- you my best friend baby
M- you my best friend too baby
R- you my favourite baby
M-you my favourite too baby
R-don’t forget baby
The don’t forget part is a reminder to say our Kalima and thank Him for each other. Can’t be happy in life if we aren’t blessed by the Almighty.
So it’s not the usual advice- but we found what worked for us to make sure every-day starts with love and ends with forgiveness out of love- or even by default (Rehana, Married for 3 years in May 2018 Inshallah)
Take out the negativity in your life and put more positivity into your life. That way you move through issues quicker. When you focus on the negative, you tend to be more emotional and sad. Why live your life that way? Let it go and be positive and think of your future. It’s about what you make out of it.
Don’t listen to reply, listen to understand. It’s all about balance – balance work, love, life and family (Mahmood, Married for 3 years in May 2018 Inshallah)
Make your partner laugh
Tim’s advice is that he makes sex jokes and that is what keeps me interested.
Be honest with your partner, not just about the things that upset you or irritate you, but being honest about who you are. Have inside jokes and do things together as well as apart. Make the time to be together. (Cindy and Tim, Together for 3.5 years)
Each couple is unique
Here’s some of my favorite pieces of advice:
Probably one of the key pieces of advice for me, and for us, is the fact that no two people are the same, and so no two couples are the same. What works for one couple might not work for the next, so any advice that we receive is always taken with a pinch of salt. At the end of the day, however we decide to move forward is a decision that we’ve made together, based on what’s best for us.
Another great piece of advice I received early on in our marriage is ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’. It’s so easy to get caught up in the little things that annoy and frustrate you about one another – it can be challenging living with someone who brings with them a different way of doing things, a different way of thinking. But I mean, the reason you’re with this person is because they’re different to you.
My final piece of advice would be to make time for one another. Life is hectic, adulting is hard, but don’t put off spending time together, just the two of you, because it’s not the right time or it’s not spontaneous. There are always going to be things happening. Your partner might decide to study, or work requires you to travel more, work nights, you have a baby, you have another baby, etc. (Ilhaam and Amir, Married 6 years in March 2018, Inshallah)
Honesty, patience & understanding
I feel this is probably the most important…..be honest about your feelings (good & bad), be honest about whether a dress looks good on her or not, be honest about a cup of coffee that she made that tasted really bad but be honest in a loving, sympathetic manner and you’ll end up laughing about the silly things in life…… nothing good can come from lies
I thought I would google a synonym for patience thinking that a nicer way of saying it would have more impact but the meaning speaks for itself:
“the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, problems, or suffering without becoming annoyed or anxious”
“sympathetically aware of other people’s feelings; tolerant and forgiving”
If only I applied this all the time, so many arguments would be avoided and so many more pleasant memories created……..definitely still a work in progress but something I wish I had figured out a lot earlier in our relationship (Anonymous, Married 6 years)
Ok so to me the most important thing is communication, trust, love and everything else has no value if you and your partner can’t talk to each other. Being open and honest and letting each other know what’s really going on not the facade you put out to the world.
Second to communication is shared with trust and a healthy sex life… Let’s start with trust, trust is something that can only be there once a solid communication network has been established and it’s a core in every marriage. If no trust is afoot, there will be issues. A healthy sex life.. i don’t think I need to elaborate here, but no person in a marriage should ever feel hungry for more. It’s an appetite that your partner should always be willing to satisfy, again this comes back to communication… I feel once these fundamentals have been cemented then, LOVE will come, love will make you more willing to accommodate, love will make you look past flaws and pet peeves, love is something that doesn’t stop growing. (Anonymous, married 6 years)
Prioritise each other
Important marriage advice: Have a date night at least once a month. Prioritise each other. Always take time to sit and speak to each other daily, even if it’s just a 5 minute catch up. Anonymous, Married 8 years)
Be a team
Establish a connection. Through communication, understanding and compromise, strengthen that connection to build a strong team that lifts each other up. Teach each other and never turn away the opportunity to learn from each other. Strive to be the best team. (Anonymous, married 8 years)
Set aside time for each other
I would say compromise and understanding , and that not everyone was raised the same and we don’t all think the same, we do things differently and that’s okay.
Advice I would give to a newlywed;
Listen to one another, make time each day to find out how each others day were, I know this might sound a bit dumb but contentently listen, full heartedly, no phones, no tv, just listen. (Tasneem, Dated for 6 Married for almost 3, so basically together for almost 9)
Through the good and the bad
Marriage is hard hard work, at times it’s joyous and you can’t imagine life without him other times you mentally throttling the day lights out of him. The best advice I can give is, be willing to help each other out when times are terrible and when the times are good again you will be able to enjoy it more because you got there together (Waleed and Khadija, together since 2010, married since 2012)
The best advice I would give to a newlywed couple would be to wait a year before making big decisions like starting a family, that first year you get to really know each other and you will want to kill each other at some point, that is normal. But use the first year to get to KNOW your partner, because that’s your team.
Second would be to work on that team, whether it is cleaning the house, cooking, or anything, work together and team work will make the dream marriage work. (Faziela, married 5 years, engaged 2 years and deciding if we really like each for 3 years. So that’s 10 years of togetherness)
15 years of marriage (Algamdulillah) has taught me a whole lot, but for me the importance of ‘showing up’ and being present is what has pulled us through many a challenge. When we ‘show up’ we let the other know they matter through actions and presence. I don’t remember dates or years, but I do remember moments and feelings.
Also I strive to live a conscious marriage. Marriage is not one dimensional or stagnant, it evolves and grows as we shift through life’s stages so we have to be prepared to grow individually and as a couple.
So far these have worked for us, not forgetting the fundamentals of love, respect, forgiveness, kindness and good communication. (Anonymous, Married 15 years)
Communicate one with another
I’m not sure about the best advice, but from what I know, being married for almost 15 years, I would say communicate and not only through the fun and games, but most importantly through the tough times too. Share/open up/talk through it all, your emotions, your feelings, your anger, your hurt and your frustrations and ask don’t ever presume to know what the other is feeling or going through because I promise you that you don’t. Yes the great times are great but I would say it’s how we deal with the bad times together, that make us grow as a couple too. (Anonymous, Married 15 years)
The best advice I can give people that are in relationships is to constantly have a open line of communication and honesty – Be direct in certain aspects of your relationship and always be willing to accommodate one another. It goes without saying, without a good structure of communication , we won’t be able to know what the other person is thinking – this advice goes for friendships too (Khalida, Best Friends for 22 years today!)
Don’t go to bed angry
We’ve been married for 27 years now. Guess we’ve been lucky to find soulmates in one another fairly early in our lives. We both have a sense of adventure as we’ve lived on 3 continents so far and we have a few likes and dislikes in common. The best advice we’ve received was from an old married couple in Paris. In their broken English, They said their secret was to never go to bed angry with one another, you never know if you will wake up together. So true! (Walied and Shida, Married 27 years)
“Have your own marriage culture.” Don’t let anything in, except love! (Amina Soeker Bardien, Soulmates with Moejaahied, “where I go he follows, where he goes I follow!” Married, 29 years, 6 months, en-route to 30 years)
1. We were friends first and we could chat for hours. It’s good to have someone that you can talk to about anything… most things.
2. Lots of hugs anytime, even at times when there’s nothing to say, but a hug is appropriate.
3. Do something unexpected for your partner.
4. Let him enjoy his sport or hobby guilt free. Show some interest. He loves to watch snooker or darts programs. I would just sit and show some interest.
5. I allow him to make some decisions.
6. I go out of my way to spoil him on his birthday, Valentine’s Day, anniversary or any other significant festive day. Although he’s not so into it.
7. We appreciate the respect we have amongst ourselves for each other and everything else that goes with it. (Trust, Safety, Accountability, Honesty, Support and Cooperation)
8. We are doing some stuff together. Toastmasters Club, Sporty stuff, we are both quite adventurous and impulsive in it.
9. We both like to give and do things for others.
10. We do cool things for each other. (He would prepare breakfast for me everyday which I appreciate). I would complete tasks that he was supposed to do, etc.
11. Occasionally, I would book a hotel/ trip over a weekend or long weekend somewhere just to get away from work and pressure.
12. Date nights and dress ups quite often if time allows us.
13. Walks, long walks along the beach (weather permitting)
14. We have lots of fun together, laughing at each other’s jokes and silly things that we are doing.
15. Picnics, movies or inviting friends over happens quite often.
16. I would initiate activities or outings or just anything that he don’t easily think about.
17. I’m always pleasant when he comes home after work. He’s always greeted with a smile. (It’s not always fun and games at work)
18. Weekends, I will cook up a storm for breakfast, lunches/ suppers ahead if there’s busy days for us.
19. Lots of ‘I love you’ anytime.
20. Great admiration for each other, always.
(Soraya, 26 years)
I wouldn’t mind giving the advice someone gave me when I got married. Im happily married for 33 years (will be 34 this year). The advice he gave me; if he is fire, you be water. Cause if you both want to be fire you, will burn each other out! And that has been my motto through my marriage! You can’t always have your own way. You must compromise (although I get my way most of the time!) My husband has always been my best friend. I sometimes do things just to make him happy and it works both ways! (Fairuz, Married 33 Years)
Love and be guided
I would say if you love your husband / wife for the sake of Allah and that it encompasses; to love, be forgiving, respect, love with all the flaws, nobody’s perfect. Love your spouse with all the other things that comes with the guidance of the Quran and Sunnah. Never forget why you fell in love, never stop dating and flirting. (Nazlie, Married 33 Years)
Learn to forgive, especially your partner and most importantly, yourself (Igsaan, married 33 years)
Trust, respect and kindness
All relationships are built on TRUST, RESPECT and mostly KINDNESS… it should be an easy achievement, but often its hard work and determination to achieve all 3 with the same person.(Abieda, Married 35 years)
Work together – be a team
Always communicate openly (especially if there’s children). Both should know everything about the child/children. Do everything as a team whether its cooking, cleaning, rearing children or doing exercise. Like what your partner likes, even if you don’t have an interest in it e.g. soccer, rugby etc. show interest. Always genuinely compliment each other, on the way they are dressed, smell, cook etc. If your hubby is upset about something, keep calm and don’t add to the frustration. Give lots of hugs and cuddles and say the words “I love you” often. (Faadiya, Married 38 years)
Tolerance with one another and if you do have an argument or a disagreement, don’t complain to someone else about your spouse – speak to one another. Don’t have quarrels in front of your children – that should be kept between the two of you. (Granny, Married 57 years)